Page 152 - slovenia

“Then she swaddles me in a sheet of plastic and
a thick orange blanket before easing me onto my
back, where I lay like a helpless burrito.”

fter he explains that the mineral-infused mud will
be applied to my back, shoulders and flanks, I’m
Aushered to the treatment area, where I meet Rossella.
With her mass of black curls framing a kindly face, she just
about puts me at ease, despite the fact that she’s wearing
a plastic apron and gloves. (It’s possible I’ve seen too many
episodes of “Dexter.”)

Stripping down to a pair of paper panties, I sit on bed en-
shrouded in gauze while Rossella slathers me in medicinal
muck dispensed from an industrial-looking silver pipe. Then
she swaddles me in a sheet of plastic and a thick orange
blanket before easing me onto my back, where I lay like a
helpless burrito.

“Cinque, cinque, cinque!” Rossella smiles, flashing five fingers
at me repeatedly to indicate that I’ll baste for fifteen minutes.
Occasionally, she returns to check on my progress, mopping
my brow with a tissue and bestowing a beatific smile, like
Mother Theresa in a Saran Wrap habit.

When Rossella finally frees me from my cocoon, such is her
delight that you would have thought she was unwrapping
her first bicycle, rather than my sweating, shriveled carcass.
“Bueno!” she says, clapping her hands, clearly pleased with
the lagoon of perspiration I’ve produced. Never have I been so
roundly applauded for so little effort, but nevertheless, I feel
myself blushing with pride…or possibly heatstroke.

Finally, Rossella leads me to a warm tub, handing me a
shower nozzle that issues blessedly cool water. Then she
withdraws, leaving me to simmer like suet pudding. Closing
my eyes, I take stock of my various body parts and realize
that, for the first time in ages, the tangled knots of tension that
usually plague my back are gone.

Perhaps we should all take a page from the piggies’ playbook.
I’ve found my paradise at last.

The Shelley Bar at Bagni di Pisa spa
resort is named for Mary Shelley, one of
the famous guests who have visited this
historic villa in San Giuliano Terme, Tuscany.
Courtesy Bagni di Pisa, Italian Hospitality
Collection.

152 WDT MAGAZINE SPRING 2017