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P. 104

AMY LAUGHINGHOUSE


                                          Lost in Translation


                                            --On the Road with Foot in Mouth

                   s a traveller with a love of for-  If you happen to be in a country where   reply, I might have, in fact, implied that
                   eign lands, I’ve often wished   most  tourists  don't bother with  even   he was descended from an unholy cou-
           Afor a Babel fish. This ingenious   the most rudimentary words, attempt-  pling between his beloved mother and
           invention, proposed by Douglas Adams   ing just a few syllables of the local lingo   a goat. As he continued to question me
           in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Gal-  may win you a friend for life. I learned   (in Czech), I tried to explain (in English)
           axy,” would enable anyone to under-  about five words of Croatian when I vis-  that I had just exhausted my trusty sup-
                                                                                  ply of tour book phrases, as asking for
                                               ited last spring, and I’m still receiving
           stand anything being said around them,   e-mails from some of the lovely folks I  "another beer please" didn't seem appro-
           no matter what the language.        met there, inviting me back and sending   priate in this situation.
                                               me “sweet kisses.”
           While I’m waiting for reality to catch up                              For  my  troubles,  I  was  rewarded  with
           with Adams’ imagination, I’ve turned  “The best part of our visit to Brac?  a thorough "security check" and nearly
           to Duolingo. Named Apple’s App of the  Lunch at Kanoba Toni, where we   missed my flight. There were one or two
           Year in December 2013, this free tool  were greeted by this fellow at   international gestures I could have sum-
           offers instruction in French, Italian,   the bar. Don’t mind if I DO join   moned in reply, but it's probably for the
           Spanish, German, Portuguese and En-  you for a tipple of…er…whatev-    best that my hands were too full to allow
           glish. With cartoon-like graphics, cheer-  er that is you’re pouring, Pavao.”  me to indulge that particular impulse.
            ful  trumpets and a
           stockpile of hearts re-                                                            Invariably,  however,
           warding every minor                                                                I've found myself in the
           triumph, it exudes all                                                             most danger of com-
           the fanfare of a video                                                             mitting a philological
           game, albeit with con-                                                             faux-pas when in France.
           siderably less violence                                                            This  is  because  I  spent
           than    most…unless                                                                years learning (i.e. blud-
           you count the broken                                                               geoning) this beautiful
           hearts that crumble                                                                language, first in high
           when you fail a lesson.                                                            school and then at uni-
                                                                                              versity, and have long
           I signed up for Duolin-                                                            labored under the mis-
           go’s French tutorial in                                                            taken impression that I
           early January, and so                                                              have some idea what I’m
            far, très bien. I don’t                                                           saying.
           expect to find myself
           waxing poetic, Pari-                                                               Once, as an 18-year-old
           sian-style, over the                                                               in New Orleans, I over-
           collected  works  of                                                               heard  a Parisian couple
           Victor Hugo and Gus-                                                               chatting in a shop and
           tave Flaubert anytime                                                              boldly engaged them
           soon. But I do think                                                               in conversation. When
           that when traveling in another country,                                            they  asked  me  if  I  was
           it’s only polite to learn the most basic    Of course, your efforts at grammatical   Swiss, I was positively elated. Only later
            phrases.                           goodwill  may  occasionally  backfire.  I   did I learn what Parisians think of Swiss
                                               was once going through airport securi-  French. (Suffice it to say, this was proba-
           "Hello," "thank you," "good-bye," and "an-  ty in Prague, where I greeted the stern-  bly NOT a compliment).
           other beer, please" (which quickly neces-  faced, rubber-gloved official manning
           sitates the question, "Where is the bath-  the metal detector with a friendly "Do-  As proof of how my language skills have
            room?") will go a long way, baby. And   brý den!" ("Hello.)           deteriorated, I recently endured the hu-
           no, speaking English loudly and slowly                                 miliation of reading a children’s book to
           doesn't count.                     At least, I THOUGHT that's what I said,   a French friend’s 7-year-old daughter.
                                               but considering the guard's unsmiling   The child’s English was already far better











            104    Wine Dine & Travel  Summer 2014
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