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than my French, and she regarded me   heroic father a thief.          useful  phrases,  asking  me  to  translate
          with a mixture of pity and dismay as I                                them from English to French or vice-ver-
          stumbled through the pamphlet-thin   On that same trip (as on every trip, actu-  sa.
          illustrated adventures of Hans Chris-  ally), I found myself regularly bellying up
          tian Andersen’s little Eliza. Fortunately,  to various local bars, chatting with the   What invaluable nuggets has it taught
          it had a happy ending, and I don’t just   bartenders. “Je voudrais du vin,” I’d say,  me so far? How about this little gem?
          mean for Eliza. I nearly wept with relief   ordering a glass of wine.  “Ton cochon es laid.” “Your pig is ugly.”
          when it was over.                                                     Handy if you’re visiting a barnyard and
                                            “Parlez-vous francais?” they would usual-  want to insult the farmer.
          I’m even worse when it comes to convers-  ly reply as they poured. “J’essaie de pra-
          ing with adults. A few years ago, I was   tiquer la langue,” I’d tell them. “I’m trying  Also, “L’homme est nu.” “The man is na-
          traveling around the French countryside   to practice the language.” Only “langue,”  ked.” Okay, so that could potentially be
          with a driver named Bernard who spoke   someone finally explained to me…on the   useful, especially given my penchant for
          very little English, but I eagerly soaked   very last day of my tour…doesn’t mean   making inadvertently lewd remarks.
          up every word as best I could as he re- “language.” It means tongue.
          galed me with tales in his native tongue.                             Then there’s the “udderly” unforgettable
                                             I had essentially been propositioning  “C’est ma premiere vache.” “It’s my first
          One day, Bernard told me with great   every bartender I met across central   cow.” I can only hope the judge will take
          pride about his father, who had helped   France, telling them I wanted to practice   this  into account and  advise leniency
          escort World War II Allied troops to safe-  my tongue. No wonder they were all so   when I’m hauled into court, accused of
          ty  in occupied  France. “He  must  have   friendly.  Although,  in retrospect,  I’m a   crimes against nature.
          been full of valor,” I respectfully replied.    bit insulted that none of them offered
                                             me a free drink.                   Finally, let’s not forget  the classic  “Je
          Whey, then, did Bernard turn to look at                               suis facile.” “I am easy.”
          me with the wounded eyes of a puppy?   So, lest I accidentally start a world war
          Well, as it transpires, the word “valeur”  (or an affair) with an ill-chosen word on   Really, Duolingo? I guess that’s what I
          is very close to “voleur,” which means   my next visit, I’ve turned to Duolingo. It   get for trying to “pratiquer la langue.”
          robber. I  had essentially  just called his   works by suggesting what it considers






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