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than my French, and she regarded me heroic father a thief. useful phrases, asking me to translate
with a mixture of pity and dismay as I them from English to French or vice-ver-
stumbled through the pamphlet-thin On that same trip (as on every trip, actu- sa.
illustrated adventures of Hans Chris- ally), I found myself regularly bellying up
tian Andersen’s little Eliza. Fortunately, to various local bars, chatting with the What invaluable nuggets has it taught
it had a happy ending, and I don’t just bartenders. “Je voudrais du vin,” I’d say, me so far? How about this little gem?
mean for Eliza. I nearly wept with relief ordering a glass of wine. “Ton cochon es laid.” “Your pig is ugly.”
when it was over. Handy if you’re visiting a barnyard and
“Parlez-vous francais?” they would usual- want to insult the farmer.
I’m even worse when it comes to convers- ly reply as they poured. “J’essaie de pra-
ing with adults. A few years ago, I was tiquer la langue,” I’d tell them. “I’m trying Also, “L’homme est nu.” “The man is na-
traveling around the French countryside to practice the language.” Only “langue,” ked.” Okay, so that could potentially be
with a driver named Bernard who spoke someone finally explained to me…on the useful, especially given my penchant for
very little English, but I eagerly soaked very last day of my tour…doesn’t mean making inadvertently lewd remarks.
up every word as best I could as he re- “language.” It means tongue.
galed me with tales in his native tongue. Then there’s the “udderly” unforgettable
I had essentially been propositioning “C’est ma premiere vache.” “It’s my first
One day, Bernard told me with great every bartender I met across central cow.” I can only hope the judge will take
pride about his father, who had helped France, telling them I wanted to practice this into account and advise leniency
escort World War II Allied troops to safe- my tongue. No wonder they were all so when I’m hauled into court, accused of
ty in occupied France. “He must have friendly. Although, in retrospect, I’m a crimes against nature.
been full of valor,” I respectfully replied. bit insulted that none of them offered
me a free drink. Finally, let’s not forget the classic “Je
Whey, then, did Bernard turn to look at suis facile.” “I am easy.”
me with the wounded eyes of a puppy? So, lest I accidentally start a world war
Well, as it transpires, the word “valeur” (or an affair) with an ill-chosen word on Really, Duolingo? I guess that’s what I
is very close to “voleur,” which means my next visit, I’ve turned to Duolingo. It get for trying to “pratiquer la langue.”
robber. I had essentially just called his works by suggesting what it considers
You can find Amy at WWW.AMYLAUGHINGHOUSE.
COM and on Twitter @A_LAUGHINGHOUSE.
Wine Dine & Travel Summer 2014 105

